This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
