That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
