everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
This is my gift to your gina
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
