You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
