I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
