Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
