I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize