Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
