This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
