Your face is a jimmy john
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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