i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
