I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
