Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
