I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
