The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize