DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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