my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
