I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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