So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
