found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
