the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
