dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
