I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Pants are for mortals
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
