Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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