I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
