Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
