I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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