it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
