her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
