Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
