Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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