Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I love having hate sex.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
