you guys were way drunker than both of me
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
