Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
