I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
