She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
