it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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