Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
