my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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