Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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