I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
