totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize