Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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