I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
