Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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