You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
