Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
