Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize