I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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