I will die if light touches me.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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