just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
