I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
its liver damage thursday
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
