I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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