Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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