I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
