i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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