Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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